The Often Forgotten College Application Essential: Relationships
People learn from relationships. I routinely advise students: “Talk, talk, talk to as many people as possible. You learn from every conversation. Sometimes you learn a lot; sometimes, you learn just a small thing. But, even that small thing can be valuable.” I follow this advice myself and take every opportunity to connect to and build relationships with others. In adult professional circles, this is called networking!
What does building relationships have to do with the college application process?
Firstly, a student’s high school courses and grades are among the very most important pieces of their application. Student-teacher relationships are critical to student engagement and academic success, including grades.
However, there’s more beyond just getting good grades. Relationships are also the foundation for many of the formal components of a student’s application, including their learning and development as evident in their essays, and in particular, the letters of reference, or letters of recommendation, that many schools require from one or more teachers from the five core academic subject areas (mathematics, history, science, English, and world languages). So, one key tip for getting into college is to start thinking about those relationships early.
Why do admissions officers value letters of recommendation so much?
References can help admissions officers distinguish between students who look alike on paper, those with like grades in similar classes, roughly equivalent standardized test scores, and common extracurricular activities.
Who should you ask to write a letter of recommendation?
The strongest letters of recommendation are written by a current or recent (junior year) teacher who knows the student well and can provide anecdotes and details about the student beyond their grades.
How do you get strong letters or recommendation and improve your chance at college acceptance?
Students, get to know your teachers! Turn to them for help in their class. Let them see you work through difficulty, think, learn, and problem solve. Seek points of connection. Engage with them on the content of their class. For instance, share a podcast, book, or news article about a topic related to something you are learning in class. Take opportunities to connect with your teachers beyond the classroom, such as through extracurricular activities, leadership, or community service. If your teacher knows you well, when it comes time for them to write a letter for your application, they’ll have rich details to share beyond just your grades and demonstrate the unique person you are to admissions officers, which will boost your chances of gaining acceptance to the college of your choice.
What other types of references do you need for college applications?
Schools also require students to send a school counselor letter. Students, just as with your teachers, get to know your counselor. Be sure to meet with your counselor periodically so they have insights into your personality, character, and contributions to the community, which they can weave into the letter they write for you to distinguish you from other students.
Some schools allow students to send additional “other” letters of recommendation from people who have experience with a student in a non-classroom setting, such as a coach or employer. Again, such a letter can help a student stand out in the applicant pool and thus increase their chance of getting into their dream college.
How can references—and the relationships behind them—help set you apart?
Beyond being a source of references, a student's relationship with teachers and mentors can provide endless opportunities for learning and growth. Learning and growth enhance every aspect of a student’s application and can influence engagement with extracurricular activities, honors and distinctions, essays, and additional materials (research, art, maker, music portfolios.) For these reasons, building strong relationships is an essential component of a strong college application.
When do recommendation letters matter most?
A student's relationships with teachers and mentors are even more important if a student applies to a school without standardized test scores (i.e., test-optional) since there will be more weight on the remaining application components.
How can parents support their children’s relationships with teachers and mentors?
So-called “helicopter parenting” interferes with a student's relationships with teachers and mentors. Parents need to allow their children to develop their own meaningful connections with their school and the larger community. Parents, encourage your child to reach out themselves to the adults in their life in ways that are authentic to them and with which they feel comfortable, those described here among them.
Relationship success story #1:
Natalie is now entering her second year at a highly selective institution. She is considering a major in environmental studies.
Natalie produced an outstanding application supported by her deep relationships with her high school counselor and teachers, even all the way back to elementary school. In high school, she developed a strong connection with several teachers who served as formal teacher references in her college application. With an intended major in environmental science, Natalie especially bonded with her junior year AP Environmental Science teacher, asking her for recommendations for community service connected to her interests in sustainable agriculture. She then pursued an opportunity that her teacher made her aware of to volunteer at a local farm. Natalie also shared news articles and podcasts that she came across on her own with her teacher.
Her second formal teacher reference was her junior year French teacher, who she also had for the sophomore year. This teacher was a reference for Natalie when she applied to French immersion programs for the summers following her sophomore and junior years in high school. After completing the programs, Natalie shared stories about her experiences with her teacher, such as learning about Acadian culture and language and receiving an award. Although Natalie will never know what her teachers wrote on her behalf, their letters likely painted a multidimensional portrait of Natalie for admissions officers.
Natalie also invested significantly in her relationship with her school counselor, visiting her office and seeking guidance from her often. At the start of her senior year, Natalie’s counselor left the high school, and an interim counselor was hired. The interim counselor was responsible for the former counselor's caseload of approximately 70 seniors. Naturally, Natalie was concerned when she learned this! However, the relationship that Natalie had with her counselor paid off - she learned that the counselor wrote letters for only two students before she left the high school: Natalie and another. Natalie was relieved since she knew her counselor knew her well, and the letter of recommendation would be stronger than one written by someone who did not know her at all.
“I’m best friends with my sixth-grade English teacher. To stay connected, this spring we decided to have a two-person book group. Every week since April, we’ve met to discuss our book, reading a new book biweekly. The fifteen books we read all had female protagonists, my personal favorite being Charlotte from The Alice Network. We’ve done more glamorous things– I assisted in the graduate classes she taught, nominated her for Massachusetts Teacher of the Year in 2017 (she came in third!), and each summer I help redesign her classroom– but the simplicity of talking and reading is very familiar. After all, books brought us together originally when she introduced me to Anne of Green Gables in sixth grade. It’s comforting that even when time passes and the world changes, her strong mentorship continues on–a constant reminder of the remarkable influence school, and she, have had on my life.”
Natalie rounded out her two formal teacher and counselor letters with an “other” reference from her sixth-grade teacher, who was an extraordinary mentor to Natalie. This mentorship continues to this day.
In sixth grade, Natalie nominated her for MA Teacher of the Year, writing a formal letter to support her. When her teacher went back to graduate school to earn her Ph.D., Natalie wrote her teacher a letter of reference for her application. After her teacher was accepted into and began her doctoral program, Natalie joined her several times as a student assistant for reading activities in classes that her teacher taught. During multiple summers, Natalie worked at the local camp that her teacher ran, and over time Natalie’s responsibility increased until she was eventually appointed head camp counselor. Before the start of school each year, Natalie helped her teacher set up her classroom (even continuing to do so in college). Natalie also visited her teacher’s classroom throughout the year. They often got lunch or dinner and attended movies (Little Women) and the theater (Hamilton) together. When her teacher was married, Natalie participated in the wedding with the honor of saying, “You may now kiss the bride!” During the pandemic, Natalie and her teacher had a two-person book group to maintain their connection. Given the length and nature of their relationship, it is likely that Natalie’s teacher wrote an outstanding letter of reference demonstrating Natalie’s talents, interests, and character and helping an admissions officer appreciate how Natalie would contribute to and grow from a new campus home.
This relationship even enhanced Natalie’s application by being a meaningful part of her supplemental essay responses, her response to “briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences (150 word limit).” Natalie had included the maximum number of activities in the activity section of her application. She used this essay response to share an additional one with admissions readers, the book group with her teacher.
Relationship success story #2:
Stephanie is a recent graduate of a highly selective institution who is now working for a major market research company. She majored in sociology and film and media studies.
Like Natalie, Stephanie also developed strong relationships with adults in her life. She was fortunate to know her junior year APUSH teacher well outside of class; he also was her volleyball coach for several years. So, when it came time to request a formal teacher reference for college, he was an excellent choice. Stephanie also had a close relationship with her photography teacher. She had taken five studio art classes taught by him, and he had encouraged her to pursue her interests in photography and graphic design in unusual ways. He helped her identify a project in the community to photograph local historical barns. She donated the photos to the town museum, where they were sold, and the profits benefitted the museum. The photographs became part of her art portfolio which she prepared as part of her college application. Likewise, when the school district was seeking someone to help them design materials to advertise its early education opportunities, Stephanie’s teacher recommended her. The brochure that she created and produced is still locally distributed. Through his mentorship, Stephanie photographed school events, displayed her work in local public spaces, and earned several school and regional awards for her art, all of which enhanced her college application. Naturally, Stephanie’s art teacher enthusiastically replied yes when Stephanie asked him to provide her with an “other” recommendation letter for her college applications.
Relationship success story #3:
Talia is a recent graduate of a highly selective institution who earned a degree in biomedical engineering. She is a new student at Harvard Medical School this fall.
Talia was fortunate to have a gifted teacher in 9th-grade honors and 11th-grade AP biology. When she approached him asking for opportunities to extend her learning beyond the classroom, her teacher connected her to a community contact of his who was the head of a University of Massachusetts Medical Center research laboratory. Unexpectedly, Talia and the lab director already knew each other since he and Talia had co-coached his daughter’s youth softball team together the summer before! Talia went on to work as a research assistant in his lab during the summers before her senior year and going to college. Her research experiences figured prominently in her college applications through thoughtful essays about her academic interests and direction, a research supplement, and an “other” reference from the lab director. Her biology teacher provided her with one of her formal teacher references.
What can we learn from these stories of successful college application outcomes?
Natalie, Stephanie, and Talia's stories demonstrate the profound impact of strong relationships with teachers and mentors on a student's engagement, academic development, and college applications. A student’s relationships with teachers, coaches, guidance counselors, and mentors is a hidden essential application component.
Do relationships continue to matter in college?
References don’t disappear after a student is accepted to college. Not only will a student need letters of recommendation if they end up applying to advanced degrees (references carry special weight for competitive programs like law school, medical school, and PhD programs), but oftentimes programs within the college, summer activities, awards, grants, and scholarships will also require letters of recommendation. Additionally, strong relationships with professors enhance students’ overall college experience, learning, and growth.
The foundations of the big six college experiences linked to post-graduation success are teachers and mentors:
1. A professor who made them excited to learn;
2. A professor who cared about them as individuals;
3. A mentor who pushed students to reach their goals;
4. Working on a long-term project;
5. Completing a job or internship related to classroom lessons;
6. Being engaged in extracurricular activities and groups.
So the best way for a student to set themself up for success in the long run is to start building relationships, now. Chances are, they’ll look back on these mentors with great appreciation for the growth and support they provide as well as their help with what’s in some cases the hardest part of college—getting in.
